Fields of Innocence
by Writingiswhatiam
Summary: “Ellie, are you okay?” he asked. I heard him come to the door. “Are you cutting?” He opened the door and the test fell from my hands.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know I have so many stories going right now, but I wrote this along time ago and I wanted to post it. I have a music video on youtube that goes along with it, called fields of innocence.** there's the link if you want to watch it. It depicted how the story would end, but i've come up with another idea for the ending. So anyway I hope you like this story and I'm sorry if it goes too fast but I'm sure you've seen worse.

**Oh and this takes place after Anywhere I lay my Head. Time stands still and back in black wont happen.**

* * *

Things had been going great between Sean and me since I moved in with him. But then, one night, the inevitable happened. Two teenagers, completely in love, sharing an apartment, things were bound to get physical sooner or later. And there was nobody there to stop us. It was the most beautiful thing ever. The way he touched me made me feel every ounce of love he had for me.

* * *

The weeks following that night, we were closer than ever. Until I realized that my period hadn't come yet, and I noticed I was throwing up a lot. I didn't say anything to Sean, because I didn't want to worry him. This kind of thing would have freaked him out.

I stood in our bathroom one night while Sean had gone out to the store. The pregnancy test lay in front of me but I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want it to be true. I felt stupid for getting myself into a situation like this. The timer had gone off well over five minutes ago, and I still couldn't get the courage to look at it. I closed my eyes and picked it up. I looked down at it, opened my eyes and almost dropped the test. Two lines. Two lines meant positive. Positive meant...

Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach. The room started to spin. I grabbed on to the sink to steady myself. My hand clutched my stomach. _This can't be happening. This could not be happening_. I looked down to double check. There were still two lines.

My head was swirling with a thousand questions.

"Ellie, I'm home," I hear Sean say.

The room started to spin again.

"I'm in here," my voice was shaky.

"Ellie, are you okay?" he asked. I heard him come to the door. "Are you cutting?" He opened the door and the test fell from my hands.

I just looked up at him. I didn't know what to say or what to do.

"What's going on?" he asked, his eyes traveling from the test on the floor to the empty First Response box on the bathroom sink. "_What's going on_?" he asked again, his voice sounding more panicky.

I opened my mouth to say something but no sound came out. I felt like a deer caught in somebody's headlights. "I'm pregnant," I finally managed to blurt out.

A look of shock washed over his face. "You...you can't be..." he stopped.

"What am I going to do?" I asked him.

"It's okay," he told me. He moved toward me and wrapped his arms around my shocked body. "We'll get through this together." If only I had known how wrong he was.

* * *

Sean and I hadn't talked about anything. We hadn't slept either. We had just lain there, next to each other. Not sleeping but not talking either. I've heard the pregnancy can bring people together. But already I felt a rift growing between us.

"We should take you to see a doctor," Sean said finally, around three a clock in the morning.

"I don't want to go to the doctor," I told him. "I just want this to be a dream. I want to open my eyes any minute now and wake up."

He looked over at me. "Is this such a bad thing?" he asked. "I know it's unplanned, but it's _our _baby."

I couldn't look him in the eyes. How could I tell him that , right now, at sixteen, it _was _such a bad thing? How could I tell him that I wasn't sure I wanted to have it?

"Maybe I should go to the doctor," I replied instead, trying to change the subject. I felt his eyes on me, but I didn't turn to look at him. I didn't want him to see what I was thinking. I didn't want him to know.

I managed to get to sleep sometime around six. Neither of us bothered to go to school. How could school possibly seem important with something like this on our minds?

Sean called and made me a doctor's appointment for two o'clock. Then he went to the kitchen and started making eggs, even though it was noon. He set the plate of scrambled eggs down on the table and poured a glass of milk. "Come eat," he said.

"I'm not hungry," I told him. The mere thought of food made me sick to my stomach. The smell was already starting to get to me.

"You know you need to eat," he said softly.

I reluctantly went to the table and tried to eat the eggs he had made me. He sat down across from me.

"I can't believe this is happening," I told him.

"I know," he said softly. "I can't believe we're going to be parents."

The words were terrifying. _Parents_? I still hadn't fully recovered from cutting myself and now I was going to be somebody's _parent_? Responsible for their health and safety and happiness? I couldn't do it. I could _not _raise a baby.

"We may not have to be," I told him.

"What?" he asked in disbelief. "You're not seriously thinking of..."

"Getting an abortion," I finished for him.

"Ellie, you can't," he said. "How can you even think of such a thing?"

"I can't be a mom, Sean," I said, my voice was trembling, "I can't do this."

"Ellie, you can't _kill my baby_," his words stung at me.

Of course I didn't want to get an abortion. But I didn't see any other way. I couldn't be a mom. I couldn't carry a baby for nine months to give it to somebody else. I just _**couldn't**_.

"I can't talk about this right now," I said to him. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw up because _your _baby is making me really nauseous this morning. "


	2. Chapter 2

I waited inside the examination room at the doctors' office. I felt like a cliche. Wounded girl falls for bad boy and has his love child.

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Ellie," the doctor said as she came into the room.

"It's okay," I said nervously.

"So, you said you had a positive pregnancy test last night?" she asked, looking at a sheet of paper on a clipboard.

"Yes," I nodded. "But I thought it may be a false positive or something. "

"Well," she said. "We'll find out."

She told me to go to the bathroom and give urine sample to the nurse, and that she'd be back in soon.

It seemed to take forever, and I snapped the rubber band against my wrist the whole time. I was so nervous. The nausea was forming in my stomach again.

The doctor came back in, and I held my breath. "Ellie," she began.

"I don't like the sound of this," I said, the fear welling up inside of me.

She nodded her head empathetically. "It was positive."

I closed my eyes, not wanting the tears to fall. "Are you sure?"

"I ran two tests," she said, nodding.

I opened my eyes. "What am I going to do?" I asked, my voice cracking. I felt like I was going to cry.

"You have a lot of options," she said, sitting in a chair by the computer. "You can keep the baby and raise it, you could put it up for adoption," she paused, as if the next solution were hard to talk about. "Or you could have an abortion," she finished.

"But the father..." I whimpered, "he...wants me to keep it."

"What do _you _want?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said. "I'm sixteen. I'm too young for this."

"Ultimately the decision is yours," she said. "You're the one who has to live with whatever you decide."

Sean was waiting for me when I left the doctors office. "How did it go?" he asked, taking my hand.

I pulled it away from him and snapped the rubber band against my wrist. "It's official. I'm pregnant."

"How do you feel?" he asked, after an awkward silence.

"I don't know," I told him.

* * *

The next day, school was torture. I managed to get through my morning classes without throwing up, but at lunch, the nausea was unbearable.

The second I walked into the cafeteria, I had to run straight to the bathroom. I was hoping, praying, that nobody had seen.

I sat in the floor of the stall, emptying my breakfast into the toilet. When there was nothing left in my stomach, I stood up and opened the door to the stall. And ran right into Manny Santos.

I walked past her and rinsed my mouth out with water.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," I said, a little too harshly.

"You sounded pretty sick," she said gently.

"Did you want something?" I asked glaring at her in the mirror. I just wanted to be left alone.

"It's Sean's isn't it?" she asked. "The baby, I mean."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I told her, splashing water onto my face.

"I'm not the enemy," Manny said. "It's okay to talk to me."

I looked at her, sizing her up to see if I could trust her.

"It's Sean's," I said finally.

She nodded and stepped toward me. "Are you keeping it?"

"Sean wants me to," I said, running my fingers through the stream of water.

"And you're not sure?"

I shook my head 'no', and turned the water off. "How is it possible to feel so detached from something that's growing inside of you?" I asked suddenly. "Does that make me a bad person? A bad mother?"

She shook her head. "No, it doesn't. It's probably just because you're scared, and that's normal. And what you really need to do is talk to Sean about this. This is something you have to do together, regardless of the choice you make."

"When you had the abortion," I asked sensitively, "did it ruin your relationship with him?"

"Yes," she said after a moments hesitation, "but our relationship was doomed from the start. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it."

The bell rang and our conversation was interrupted. She walked towards the door, stopped and turned back to face me. "Peanut butter and saltines," she said. "It helps with the morning sickness."

I smiled as best as I could. "thanks."

* * *

At the apartment that night, I tried to get up the courage to talk to Sean about what I was feeling. But it would have been a lot easier to do that if I had known what I was feeling. On one hand, I liked the idea of being a mother. Of having our own little family, just Sean the baby and me. but on the other, all I could think about was all of my college plans going out the window and all of the things I'd hoped for my life disappearing.

"How do you feel about this?" I asked him softly as we sat on the couch staring at the TV.

"It's unexpected," he said, "but that doesn't mean that its unwanted. At least not by _me_," he added.

His words hurt me. I felt like he hated me for being confused. "Its not that I don't want to have the baby," I told him. "Its just that the thought terrifies me. I don't know what I want."

He turned to look at me. "I get that, okay? I understand, but you _can't_ have an abortion," his eyes started to tear up. "That would kill me. If you don't want the baby, you don't have to keep it. I will."

"What?" I asked him. "You would do it by yourself?"

"In a heartbeat."

His bravery floored me. How could he be so willing to do that-to give up his future and his dreams to raise a child he hasn't even met yet?

"Sean...," I said, "I just don't know. I _really_ just don't know. Keeping it would mean telling my family, your family, our friends..."

"Is it something you're ashamed of?" he asked defensively.

"Aren't you?" I asked back.

"No," he exclaimed. "This is my _baby_, I'm proud. I want to tell the whole world."

"Please tell me you're not going to do that."

"Not until we decide something," he said.

I looked at him, wanting him to hold me. I felt so alone. I wiped some tears from my eyes. "I don't know what I want," I confided. "What if I have the baby and completely mess up its life?"

"Ellie," he said softly. "That's not going to happen, you'd be a great mother."

"I bet my mom thought she'd be a great mother, too," I said bitterly.

"Ellie, you can't let your mothers hangups get in the way deciding to keep our baby."

I didn't say anything. I just sat there, confused and crying and in pain. My whole body hurt, and I was so tired all of the time. I just wanted to cut. But I couldn't do that. It probably wasn't good for the baby.

"I don't know what to do," I blurted out, breaking into sobs.

The second I started sobbing, Sean took me in his arms and held me tight. It felt so safe, but I still felt so confused.

"I feel like a horrible person because I don't love this baby. I feel like you hate me for it. What's wrong with me?" I asked, sobbing into Seans shoulder. "Why don't I love my baby?"

"Shh," Sean said soothingly. "I don't hate you, and there's nothing wrong with you. You're just in shock right now," he rocked back and forth gently. "That's all it is. You've only had a couple of days to get used to the idea. It will get better, I promise."

I looked up at him and wiped tears from my face. "Do you mean that?"

He shook his head 'yes' and kissed me. The first kiss we'd shared in days.


	3. Chapter 3

It was two months before I told my mom. She had gotten out of rehab and had called me numerous times, but I kept ignoring her. I couldn't talk to her without telling her about the baby. I knew it had to be done, so I went over to her house one day.

I was barely showing and I had worn Sean's hoodie to hide my 'baby bump'. I didn't want to tell her. I stood on her front door step, afraid to knock. I didn't know what I was afraid of, that'd I'd tell her about the baby and she would hate me, or that she wouldn't be sober.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. She opened it within seconds, almost like she had been expecting me.

"Eleanor," she said with a huge smile.

I was relieved. She was sober. "Hey, Mom," I said quietly and she moved aside to let me in.

"Well, you didn't bring your things," she stated, "so I guess that means you're not moving back in."

"I can't, Mom," I told her.

"I made lunch," she said, "I was just getting ready to eat. Do you want some?"

The nausea in my stomach told me not to eat, but she looked so hopeful that I couldn't turn her down. She had made Lasagna, one of my _favorites_.

I tried my best not to show that the smell was getting to me as we sat down to eat.

"How's Sean?" she asked me, taking a bite of the pasta.

I took a bite before answering. It tasted ten times better than I remembered and I had the urge to binge the whole pan. "He's fine," I said. "We're fine."

"That's good to hear," she took a drink of the Mountain Dew can she had sitting next to her. I was surprised, she normally had a glass of wine with dinner. I was proud of her.

"Speaking of Sean," I said nervously, looking down at my plate. "We're going to have a baby."

Then the world went still. I looked up at her and watched her face, waiting for an expression. There wasn't one.

It was at least five minutes before she spoke again. "Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I knew I should have put you on the pill before I sent you to live with him."

I looked back down at the plate and took another bite. I wasn't hungry but the baby was. "I'm sorry, Mom."

"Oh, Eleanor, don't talk like that," she said. "How far along are you?"

"About two and a half months."

"Are you keeping it?" she asked.

I nodded, knowing that Sean was going to keep it. I still hadn't decided if I was going to stay or not.

"Well, then," she said, forcing a smile. "What's to be so sad about? It looks like I'm going to be a grandma."

I was shocked. I had expected her to yell and scream, to be mad at me and hate Sean. I was so relieved that she took it as well as she did.

"Do you want a boy or girl?" she asked. "Have you thought of names? You need to see a doctor. We need to get the nursery set up."

She just kept bombarding me with questions and plans until finally I said, "Mom, its all a little too much to process right now."

"Oh of course," she said. "Well, I'll do anything I can to help."

"You don't have to do that," I said.

"Don't be silly. You'll need a car," she said suddenly.

"Sean has a car," I told her.

"I know, but you'll need your own. It'll be easier that way." She jumped up from the table. "Lets go get you one now."

"Mom, you really don't have to..."

"Eleanor," she said looking straight at me. "I messed up so many times when you were a kid and I never thought I'd have another chance to bond with you. But here's our chance, let me do this for you and the baby."

I was so relieved that she would help me. Right now, I really needed my mom. "Okay," I said, finishing the lasagna, "lets go."

"Hello, Mrs. Nash," Joey Jeremiah said to mom. "What can I do for you?"

"We're looking for a car," she said to him, "its for my daughter, she's having a baby."

I thought I would die from embarrassment. She said it just as easily as if it had been my first period. She was just as proud.

"Oh, well," he said with a smile. "Congratulations, Ellie. What kind of car are you looking for?"

"We're looking for an SUV," she said.

"Right this way," he told her.

"Mom their too expensive," I whispered to her.

"Oh don't be silly," she said, "anything for my grandchild."

I drove off the lot with a black Subaru Forester and five hundred dollars that my mother had given me. I loved the car, and we needed the money, but I felt guilty for taking them. Then I reminded myself that she wanted me to have the car and the money, or she would have just kicked me out.

* * *

"How did it go?" Sean asked, when I got inside the apartment.

He was sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

'Well," I said. "She bought me a car."

"A car?" Sean looked up at me.

I nodded and showed him the key. "And five hundred dollars."

"Does she think I can't take care of you?" he asked.

"Sean, its nothing like that," I told him. "She just wants to help."

"Well it helps," he said. "We need groceries."

"Let's go," I told him.

That day was probably one of the best days I can remember. Except for what happened later that night.

"I told my mom, now you have to tell your parents," I told him as he hesitated to answer the phone.

"Fine," he said, reluctantly dialing the number. I picked up the other phone so I could hear them talk.

"Hello?" A gruff, mean sounding voice answered the phone.

"Dad, its Sean," he said. "Is mom there? I need to talk to you both."

"Your son needs you to pick up the phone," he yelled so loudly I had to take the phone away from my ear.

"Ow" I mouthed to Sean.

He laughed. We heard someone pick up the other line and he began to look really nervous. I stuffed my hands into the pocket of the hoodie I was still wearing.

"Hi Sean," we heard his mother say.

"Mom," he said awkwardly. "Dad, I have something to tell you."

"You're in jail and you need bailed out?" his dad asked.

"Shut up," his mom said to his dad. "Don't listen to him, Sean. What is it?"

"My girlfriend and I are..." he took a deep breath, "we're having a baby."

"Congratulations, Sean," his mother said.

"You idiot," his dad said. "What are you gonna do with a baby? If you're smart you'll get rid of it."

"I'm not doing that dad," he said bravely. "we're keeping it."

"Nice going," his fathers gruff voice became hateful. "You always said you were better than us and now here you are, gettin' your girlfriend knocked up at sixteen."

Sean hung up the phone and I set mine down on its cradle.

"I'm sorry," I told him. "I shouldn't have made you do it."

"It's okay," he said, "they know now. Thats all that matters."

* * *

I lay in bed that night, praying that Mr. Cameron was wrong. That we wouldn't end up like them. That'd we'd live in a big house some day, and not worry for anything. Inside I knew my life would never be that happy. Not anymore. 


End file.
